April 3, 2012
"Contingency Plan"

Noun. Basically, a Plan B. 

Suggested Usage: “Bill, do we have a contingency plan in case our foray into the paper clips industry is a total bust?”

But who wants to say Plan B? Come on, you’re an MBA! Only BComs and other ignoramuses  say Plan B. You, you are smart, and you got a contingency plan just in case. 

March 28, 2012
"Going Forward"

Phrase. Another way of saying, “in the future”.

Suggested Usage: “That’s a wonderful idea Lisa! Your business case for establishing interconnected silos of creativity will mesh well with our marketing plan. So, going forward, how about you take on this project?”

I’ve heard this phrase used plenty of times. Sometimes I wonder, though, would it ever be right to say “going backwards”? Wait, is that even POSSIBLE? 

March 15, 2012
"with that being said"

Phrase. Just a smart-ass way of saying ‘however’ or ‘but’, often associated with a critical remark following. 

Suggested Usage: “Bill, your report on the shtnizel market of Germany is very engrossing; with that being said, it’s a stupid fucking idea”. 

With that being said, this post has come to its conclusion. 

March 6, 2012
"Holding Pattern"

Phrase. To put something, like a project, on hold. 

Suggested Usage: “At the moment, our millennial IT systems synergy integration project is in a holding pattern because Bill over at tech support can’t get his shit together.”

But projects don’t only get put in a holding pattern because someone can’t get their shit together. Oftentimes, nobody knows what the hell to do with a project. So they put it in the so-called holding pattern, often for ever. 

March 1, 2012
"all on the same page"

Phrase. To make sure everyone understands the bullshit you are talking about. 

Suggested Usage: “(blah blah blah we need to blah blah blah in the blah blah blah market blah blah quality and innovation blah blah blaaaaaaah)…okay then, is everyone with me on the same page?

February 28, 2012
"end of day"

Phrase. The end of the working day. Whenever that is. 

Suggested Usage: “Bill, I would like your expense reports for the Malaysian ping pong market by end of day”.

Notice how ‘end of day’ does not contain ‘the’ either ‘end’ or before ‘day’. (Hey, this is a blog about words, so I gotta get picky.) And there’s a reason for that, and that’s because nobody actually knows when the end of the day really is.

Or, it’s just corporate types attempts to sound all militaristic, kind of like saying ‘10-4!’ instead of ‘ok!’. End of day! instead of end of the day.

Fuck it.     

February 21, 2012
"Interesting"

Phrase. The politically correct way of masking one’s true negative feelings towards another person and/or their idea. 

Suggested Usage: “Bill, thank you for your very interesting presentation to the market penetration committee; we will take your ideas into consideration.” 

Substitute ‘interesting’ for any negative word (like stupid, idiotic, ridiculous) and you’ll get the true feeling behind the word interesting in the business world. I mean honestly, how many things can truly be that interesting?

"Hmmmmmm, interesting!

February 15, 2012
"Challenge"

Adjective, noun. Similar to a problem, but oh-so-more sophisticated.

Suggested Usage: “What we have here, Mr. Smith, is a challenge of epic proportions!”

Once, instead of using the word challenge, I used the word problem. The looks on my the fellow meeting attendees’ faces…SHOCK! Since when did problem become so blasphemous? I say, let’s keep things simple. A problem is a problem, and if you can’t recognize that, then you are challenged. 

February 7, 2012
"Cross-pollination"

Verb. When two or more ideas are combined into one. 

Suggested Usage: “There was an incredible amount of cross-pollination at yesterday’s meeting. In fact, we took Bill’s idea of marketing to the Togolese market together with Jill’s idea of the new maraca design and decided on selling didgeridoos to the Inuit peoples of SIberia!”

Another sneaky attempt by them corporate-types at including science-based words in their lingo. Cross-pollination, otherwise known as pollination, is the process by which pollen is transferred in the reproduction of plants, thereby enabling fertilisation and sexual reproduction - in case you didn’t know. But in the business world, switch the word pollen with idea and plants with, um, business, and keep the rest, and it’s basically the same thing.

I’m gonna stop now. 

February 2, 2012
"Sitting on the beach"

Phrase. In the consulting world, to not be assigned to a chargeable project. 

Suggested Usage: “Man, I’ve been sitting on the beach for the past three weeks. I hope Management isn’t thinking of firing me”.

Well here is an MBAism I actually kinda like. Take the reality of someone not working on a project, who is otherwise useless to the firm, and spin it as if he were sitting on the beach, enjoying his Margarita and getting a healthy dose of Vit D.  

February 1, 2012
"Chop Wood"

Phrase. A nifty way of saying ‘getting work done’. 

Suggested Usage: “Bill, get those three junior associates to chop some wood all this week”.

If you’ve ever chopped wood, then you know how laborious it is - not unlike the laborious nature of creating collateralized debt vehicles, sitting through that ridiculous weekly Friday afternoon meeting, or making fun of that sucker articling student. The business world ain’t easy, this ain’t no piece of cake, and there ain’t no free ride here…so get to it and chop that wood!

January 23, 2012
"(anything about) China"

Phrase. The default response to any question. For example, “China is a rising global power that has an abundant market for lubricants and toys”; or, “What is the future value of a nine year investment at a discount rate of 3% and a present value of zero? China”. 

You’ve heard it in the media, you’ve seen it in the street: China is taking over. And if you’re in an MBA program or in the business world in general, China is likely on your mind. It ain’t the flavor of the month - China is here to stay, or so they say…
So, the next time you find yourself having to answer a question you have absolutely no idea the answer to, just answer “China”. Chances are, you’ll be half-correct. 

January 18, 2012
"Triple Bottom Line"

Phrase. The idea that an organization should not only achieve a financial profit (bottom line number one), but also an environmental and social one; one analogy is the people, planet and profit idea. 

Suggested Usage: “We need a triple bottom line approach here: we want to make money, espouse a social cause and improve the environment!”

Finally, an MBAism for those who really care about the environment and/or society (aren’t they the same, kinda?).

Then again, since MBAisms are constantly morphing, I suggest a new Triple Bottom Line approach, just to spice things up, because that’s what I do: More Revenue, Less Costs (read salaries) and Less Taxes. Now that’s a Triple Bottom Line!

January 17, 2012
"Low Hanging Fruit"

Phrase. Solutions that are easy to attain, usually with little effort and/or cost. 
Suggested usage: “Let’s finish the low hanging fruits on our list so we can get the hell out of here by five”.
On the Corporation Tree, the sweet nectar of the low-hanging fruits are always sought after. Make sure you get your hands on one first before anyone else. 

January 12, 2012
"Penetrate"

Verb. To break through into something, usually a market. 

Suggested Usage: “Bill, we really need to focus our Q3 efforts on penetrating the Indian market”.

To penetrate, the classic pseudo-sexual MBAism. Enough said.